as we grow older, we are taught to put homework first, always. we are taught to set aside our interests to complete busy work. we are taught to indulge in time fillers, rather than doing what we really want. and so then, once in a blue moon, when we happen to have a day of no work, we don’t know what to do with ourselves. we forget what it means to be spontaneous; we learn to sit at a desk and focus. and I think that’s a shame
It’s been a neverending battle, but I can proudly say I’m clean from heroin. It’s been a few weeks, and I know that isn’t great, but it’s something. I stupidly fell back into the same old habits when I came back “home” to Pennsylvania. I was depressed, stressed out, and dealing with a lot of bullshit. So when someone offered me free bags, of course I couldn’t say no. I really wanted to, but it was so hard. However, I quickly realized I could not go down this route again, and so I stopped. It’s really been hard because it’s still all I think about. I hate it so much, but at the same time want it so bad. I can’t do it though. I won’t do it. It caused me to fuck up relationships in my life these past few months because I was angry. I was going through it, but nobody had a clue, or even cared to ask if I was okay. However, I’m use to that. I’m use to being alone. I hate myself for causing heroin to push good people out of my life. So right now I continue to work at my new job and try to figure out where I want to go from here. I still don’t know. I really don’t. All I know is it’s hard living sober, but at the same time it’s even harder living when drugs are your main focus. Yet, getting clean can’t be my only focus. I also have realized I need to get my mental health in check. It’s the main root to all of my problems. It’s the main reason I use. So yeah, I could remain clean, but if I don’t get clean, and get help for my mental health… then how will I stop relapsing? Since every time I do get clean my life is still shit. So when my life is still shit then I always justify getting high, because why stay sober if you still feel just as bad? At least your life can still be bad, but you’re not going through it sober. However, I can’t live that way anymore because it’s not living at all. I want my life back.